Rape is an ugly and frightening word. To think that your date would rape you is terrifying and could make you stop dating all together.
Society would have you believe you deserved to be raped on a date. You really wanted it. You teased him until he couldn't control himself. The truth is: no matter how far things have gone, if a guy attempts to force sex on you when you have said no, he is committing a criminal act.
Plan ahead to avoid trouble
How you view yourself will influence how others view you. If you are easily swayed by peer pressure or if you haven't established boundaries for yourself, you are prime prey for rape. If raped, you are subject to injury, humiliation, risk of pregnancy or disease and years, or even a lifetime, of emotional pain.
So what do you do?
When setting your limits remember these points:
Physical contact--even simply holding hands--can be misinterpreted. You may consider the guy a friend, he thinks you're saying "I want to go further!" Better to say what you're feeling than to send unclear physical messages.
When you reach a level of intimacy, it's difficult to back up. Don't let yourself get to a point where you can't get out of it.
Being conservative in your limits--holding hands, a brief kiss or embrace, moving slowly--isn't old fashioned, it's smart. In a time of escalated sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and distorted relationships, sexual relations because it "feels right" is downright dangerous.
Defend your limits clearly and firmly. Say "Don't do that again" while looking the guy straight in the eye with confident firm body language. If a guy "tests the water" by making a lewd remark or touching you inappropriately, respond strongly immediately. A weak reaction may only encourage him to go farther.
How NOT to get caught in a bad situation
Using a little street smarts can safeguard your social situations.
- Date someone you already know fairly well rather than a casual or chance acquaintance.
- Group activities or double dating is less risky than single dating, especially for younger teens.
- Single dates--especially the first one--should be in a public place. Don't fall for the "Come on over and listen to my CDs" line. It could hold trouble for you.
- A blind date is best as a double date.
- Bring your own money. When you pay your own way, you establish your sense of independance and self-control. Even if your date is paying for everything, you may need money for transportation home if the situation gets out of hand.
- Stay sober. If your judgement is distorted by drugs or alcohol, you are a prime target for rape.
- Never leave a restaurant, party or other gathering with someone you just met.
- If you don't feel right about a person, trust that feeling! It's better to be temporarily embarrassed about a bail out than permanently damaged by a rape.
Be alert for red flags--trouble ahead!
Situations of unequal footing between you and your companion.
If you feel unequal, intimidated, awestruck or indebted in some way to your date, you may send signals that make you seem weak and incapable of resisting. These situations might include:
An employer or supervisor at your job.
A teacher or professor that affects your grade.
A doctor or counselor giving professional care to you.
Someone you owe money to.
Friends or business associates of your parents.
No amount of money or gifts spent on you by a date is repayable by sex. Be sure to tell that to your date if he gets pushy. Perhaps you need to decline a present that seems to have strings attached so he gets the message.
Control freaks
Look out for someone who always insists on his way and ignores your likes and dislikes. He might try to monitor your whereabouts at all times and check up on you when you least expect it. Be especially aware of the guy who isolates you from your family and friends. All of these types will most likely disregard your boundaries regarding sex.
Guys who are lewd, crude and sexist.
If a guy wants you to watch sexually oriented films or videos with him, RUN! If the guy tells off color jokes, listens to sexually explicit music, likes pornography or makes degrading comments about women, excuse yourself and don't come back.
Whiners and nudgers
Guys who work on your sympathy by whining, acting wimpy or self-deprecating are simply wearing you down. When you hear "If you loved me, you'd do it" or "If you don't, I'll find someone who will" or worst of all "TRUST ME!", stop the relationship right there. He's a loser and abuser.
You've done everything you can think of to avoid the situation but you find yourself threatened by physical force.
Here's are some options.
- Escape
- Verbally confront him
- Stall for time
- Yell for help
- Physically resist
- Fight back
- Submit if there is imminent risk of serious harm
If you yell, be strong by yelling "Stop this NOW!"
If you are in public shout "Help. I'm being attacked!" or "Call the police!"
DON'T beg and plead--that only feeds into his desire for power.
Some rapists will become more violent if resisted. If you see a knife or gun, don't put up a physical fight.
If you are raped
- First of all, get to a safe place.
- Call the police IMMEDIATELY!
- Contact a family member or friend to come be with you.
- Do not destroy physical evidence by showering, bathing, douching or even changing clothes.
Rape is embarrassing for the victim so most rapes remain unreported. Your attacker is betting on you not reporting him--and could do the same to others--so it is important for you to follow through even though the reality may elongate the pain.
The police will need to know every detail. Be completely honest and candid about what happened, no matter what. If you lie, your case will be weakened later if you change your story.
Once the police have their report you need to have a medical evaluation to collect important evidence, to make sure of your physical condition and to get counseling. Seek a trained staff that can deal properly with your situation.
Allow yourself to get counseling. You cannot ignore the experience, just forget about it, or deal with it on your own. A lot has happened and it will take time to heal. You need to rebuild a sense of self-worth so you won't be vulnerable to sexual pressure or abuse in the future.
There may be times when harassment or assault cannot be avoided, but maintaining your sense of worth and integrity, staying alert and making common-sense decisions can keep your social life safe and rewarding.
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